clothing

I've hit a stage in my life where I don't like clothes too much.

Not that I want to go nude or anything although it has its pluses as long as there are no mirrors around.

Anyway, here's my list of rants:

1. Sizing: Has anybody but me noticed how skewed sizes are these days? I'm no pixie, but I'm not exactly obese either and if I go into a fitting room with size 9, 11, and 13 pants and NONE of them fit me, there's something bad wrong. The sizing scale is aimed at these anorexic fetuses who have the figure of a scare crow. And I'll tell you right now the birds just LOVE me.

2. Jeans: Don't get me wrong on this, I'm not interested in the "mom jeans" looks; I'd rather my jeans hit me a little below my belly button, but my gosh. Jeans are labeled almost exclusively as "low," "superlow," "too low," or something along those lines. There's practically no point in having a zipper in these things as they are only about an inch and a half long anyway. And I'm sorry, but blue jeans should not require special hair removal techniques.

3. T-shirts: They don't make real ones anymore. The only comfortable tshirts I own are men's tshirts. Women's tshirts are too short, too tight, and the sleeves are too short. Now I understand that sometimes these shirts are suitable, but most of the time when I want to wear a tshirt, I want a real tshirt not something that shows me midriff if I move and hikes up into my armpits as the day progresses. The possibility of sweaties is all too real anyway.

4. Catch phrases: I saw a tshirt a while back bearing the phrase "Parties Well With Others." As stupid as that is in the first place, they added insult to injury with a grammatical error. "You've been a bad boy, go to my room," "I like big stONES," "Date Cute, Marry Rich," "Vote for Pedro." Need I say more? Yes, I did, at one time, own a tshirt bearing the phrase "50% Single." Granted, I only wore it about twice considering I didn't make a habit of staying single at any percentage. Still, a fashion choice I regret to this day.

5. Sequins: We are not Porter Wagner. Come on...

6. Heels: If you insist upon wearing these wonderful corn inducing pointed shoes with the sky scraper heels on them, do some calf exercises first. Nobody likes to see a chick stumbling and wobbling on her way because she doesn't know how to walk in heels.

7. Tightness: This goes along with sizing and the skewed idea of what's attractive these days. This I-obviously-don't-have-all-the-organs-I'm-supposed-to look is, for some reason, considered to be out of this world sexy these days. This problem, of course, leads to girls who very obviously have all of their organs dressing like the ones who obviosuly haven't hit puberty yet. Dressing for whatever size you are is much more flattering than dressing for whatever half your size is. Look in the mirror before you leave the house. Nobody likes to see pasty white lower belly hanging out from under your "blondes do it beter" tshirt over the top of your too superlow levis. After all, it hides your pink sequin belt.

That's all for this time folks...

*Written on 8/18/2006