not sleeping and why

I had already laid down for the night, but there's something about the feeling of gastric acid creeping up your esophagus that just doesn't inspire sweet dreams. Yuck-o.

It's been a sad past few days due to the fact that David's mom's boss and his wife lost their oldest son in a biking accident on Saturday. His name was Bobby and he was 36. He left a wife and two little kids who are too young to grasp how their lives have changed.

I didn't know him personally, but I've been more troubled by the deaths of people I knew less. It's the same as always, though; I try for days to rationalize why it troubles me and become even more troubled by the fact that I can't rationalize it. I know that God's in control of it all and this He knows the end result of all things, but it's so hard to not wonder why it had to happen.

Still, beyond all the initial sadness of the situation, I can't help but think that no other person who know so little of him as I do has thought the things I have. How will his wife stand to go home and open the closet and smell him on all of his clothes? And look around the house and see things as he left them? How will Christmas ever be anything happy for them ever again? I know his death affects a lot of people, but my mind keeps going back to his wife... over and over...

But why do I even think these things?

I guess most of all, it's made me really stop and consider the blessings in my own life. In the past few days, every time David has hugged or kissed me or just held my hand, it's meant something a little bit different. Feeling him in bed next to me has been just a little bit sweeter. I'm a little bit happier to hear the door open when he gets home in the afternoons.

It's made me think that despite the random stresses and occasional aggravations of marriage, even though we get on each other's nerves sometimes, and even if every single minute of every single day isn't euphorically happy... at least we have more than memories of each other. I have him here with me to share all those ups and downs.

I hope that even when I stop thinking about such sad things, I can hold onto the lessons they've taught me. Every day that I live and can share with David is such a blessing that I know I take too much for granted. I'm sure Rachel would give anything now for one more day with Bobby.

*Written on 6/19/2007